im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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