Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
