yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
