There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
