she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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