my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
