Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
