I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
