I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
