Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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