that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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