Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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