I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize