Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
