Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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