Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
