Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
