dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
