Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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