i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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