i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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