We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
