if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
