i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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