She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love you.
Bad choice
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize