Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
