I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You were trust falling into bushes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
