I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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