I think I won the penis lottery.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
