Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
