he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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