I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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