you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
