Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
