just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
