1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
