I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
