you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
FUCK WHALES
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
