I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
