Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize