please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
