Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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