i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize