Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
