Moan for me like Helen Keller
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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