My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
