remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
