Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i believe in u and ur pee
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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