yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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