so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we're making bets on your personal life
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize