when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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