my phone needs a breathalizer
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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