I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
