haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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