He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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