He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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