I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
