She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
