if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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