Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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